Identity vs. Role

When I became a wife and mother, I distinctly remember wanting to do both of those things with excellence.  Which, in and of itself, is not a bad aspiration.  Loving your husband and children well is one of the traits of a godly woman listed in scripture (Titus 2:4), and is most definitely something to strive for.  But as time went on, as responsibilities mounted, and as failures increased, I became more and more discouraged and hopeless.  In many ways, I felt as though my worth was diminished when I fell short of what I felt a good wife and mother should be.

For the better part of three years, this was a constant struggle.  I could not wrap my brain around why I felt so ill-suited for walking in the roles of wife and mother when that was all I had ever really wanted to be.  Finally, revelation came when I read this article from The Resurgence.  At it’s core, I realized this was a sin issue.  As Tim Keller so wisely observed: “Sin isn’t only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things.  Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God.”

That is precisely what I had been doing: making the worthy goal of being an excellent wife and mother into my ultimate reason for existence.  As I continued to read, I discovered why I had been so hopeless.

The article continued: “’How is your present disappointment, discouragement, or grief a window on what has actually captured your heart?’  When we depend on anything smaller than God to provide us with the security, significance, meaning, and value that we long for, God will love us enough to take it away. Much of our anger and bitterness, therefore, is God prying open our hands and taking away something we’ve held onto more tightly than him.”

My continual feeling of discouragement was the grace of the Lord to me because it showed me that I had been confusing my role and my identity.  When we make our identity out of anything other than being a son or daughter of God, we will ultimately taste the bitterness of failure when we don’t measure up to a set of standards, rules, behavior, etc,.  But when we fashion our identity solely from being a child of God, there is no room for failure or disappointment because that identity is one we didn’t earn and, therefore, we cannot diminish or take away from it.  It doesn’t depend on us, never has depended on us, and never will depend on us.   And that is why the gospel is so glorious and it is the very thing that frees us to walk even more fully in our roles.  When I understand that my worth comes from what Jesus did for me, it propels me forward into loving my husband and children well.  How can I not help but extend grace to my husband when I see the great grace God has poured over me and my weaknesses?  There is nothing for me to do but to overflow with love onto my children because of the love the Father has lavished on me, simply by being His daughter.

Do I still aspire to be a good wife and mother?  Absolutely.  But it’s not who I am; it’s what I do.  It’s a role that I am blessed and honored to fulfill.  But even more than this, my ultimate goal is to craft my identity solely from being a daughter of my Father.  This is who I am and who I was created to be.  Nothing more, nothing less.

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” -1 John 3:1

Gratitude in the Midst

It’s been an extremely busy season for the Kubicina household for the last 6 months. I have so many things buzzing around in my heart that I am feeling a little frazzled trying to sort everything out in a way that is truthful, encouraging, and will actually make sense. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to sit down and write about all that the Lord has been working out in me: between moving, vacation, daily life, church life, visiting family, illness, and all the “blessings,” that accompany a first trimester, I’m finding myself with very few free moments that don’t result in a nap. :) But this afternoon, in the midst of my busyness, I was reminded of the goal that I set at the beginning of the year to list 1,000 things that I am thankful for.

I feel this to be especially needed when we are engrossed in seasons where life is hectic.  I know my own tendency is to focus on my circumstances and overlook the seemingly mundane moments that the Lord has placed before me.  Every season has blessings if we fix our eyes on the One who is the Giver of every good thing.  He is not stingy with us and He delights in our gratitude because it speaks the truth about who He is and how He lavishes love on His children.  Even in the midst of haste, or circumstances that would seek to overcome us, we have the honor of highly exalting and deeply enjoying Jesus.  Through the redeeming work of the cross, we have received the greatest gift of all – the indescribable reward of glorifying our Father.   When our eyes are set on our faithful Savior and not on life and its troubles, we find ourselves in the place where our hearts are at rest and are fully enabled to delight in the abundant joys of every season…morning sickness and all.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”  – James 1:17

#21 – A backyard!!!

#22 – Chubby-armed baby hugs.

#23 – My husband: for the ways he shows me the grace, mercy, and love of Jesus…especially when I feel I least deserve it.

#24 – Domestic Kingdom: this blog has encouraged me immensely.

#25 – Tea, tea, and more tea.  I’m not going to lie, though…I miss my coffee.  *first trimester will be over soon; just in time for Pumpkin Spice season!*

#26 – My bed, sleep, and all things restful.

#27 – Dreaming of the little person the Lord is shaping inside me.

#28 – Porch swinging with my family.

#29 – Watermelon, strawberries, and peaches!

#30 – The sound of Josh and Grace talking and singing together before they fall asleep each night.

#31 – Watching Gideon’s bowed, plump, little legs learning to walk.

#32 – A new job for Brandon to help us continue to drive down that debt!

#33 – Worship music playing in the kitchen to lift my eyes above my circumstances.

#34 – Watching friends being blessed by the Lord for their steadfast trust in His faithfulness.

#35 – A precious new nephew!

#36 – Family and friends who drive 800 miles to visit us.

#37 – Beautiful Summer nights that give us a break from the heat.

#38 – Brandon and I agreeing on paint colors and loving our choices.

#39 – Our house church group; how I love them and thank God for each one!

#40 – A big kitchen to gather family and friends around food and the goodness of God!

 

A Meal with Jesus: Discovering Grace, Community, and Mission, around the Table.

The tradition of mealtime, especially in America, seems to be slipping into a thing of the past.  We no longer come to the table (if we eat at a table at all!) with gratefulness to a generous Giver, but rather in casual indifference; much like taking our vehicle to a gas station for a fill-up, that we may continue on in our busyness..  Tim Chester vividly illustrates that one of the main themes and portraits of Scripture is the beckoning from a loving Creator, to his creation, to come and dine with Him.  That they may come partake of His glorious goodness and extend that goodness to others, that the feast of God may be full.

I was challenged by so much in this book.  Convicted at my own nonchalant attitude towards food and mealtime, I finished this book with renewed vision for my kitchen and dining room.  I felt excited and exhorted to make our family’s table a place of refuge, fellowship, thankfulness, joy, and love.  I confess that in the course of my day, it is much easier to eat breakfast and lunch as I work: finishing up this project or starting that chore, while my children sit quietly at the table observing my haste.  My heart feels purposed towards the goal of cultivating gratefulness towards the Lord for the food that He sets before us each day.  I look forward to teaching my children of the goodness and grace of the Father at each meal time; telling them of the rich love that He has poured out on us in everything…even sandwiches.  Whether you’re wanting fresh insight into the blessings of cooking, eating, or hospitality, I highly recommend this book to you.

Some of my favorite quotes (and it was hard to narrow it down!):

“…the community of the broken, gathered around a meal, finding hope in the grace of Jesus.  This is what church is meant to be: a community of broken people finding family around a meal under the tree of Calvary.”

“…food isn’t just fuel.  It’s not just a mechanism for sustaining us for ministry.  It’s gift, generosity, grace.  Jesus gave thanks and broke bread.  In so doing, he affirms that food is to be received as a gift from God.”

“The world is more delicious than it needs to be.  We have a super-abundance of divine goodness and generosity.  God went over the top.  We don’t need the variety we enjoy, but He gave it to us out of sheer exuberant joy and grace.  God’s creative joy wasn’t only for the beginning of creation, leaving us ‘eating leftovers.’  God continues to sustain creation out of joy.”

“Not only did God give us food, He also ordained cooking…every time you place a meal on the table with quiet satisfaction, you’re sharing the joy of the Creator at the creation of the world when he declared everything good.”

“The Lord’s Supper is a call to God to act in keeping with his covenant: forgiving us, accepting us, and welcoming us to the Table through the finished work of Christ.”

“This is salvation: to feast abundantly and to feast with God.”

Click here to purchase this book.

Happy New Year

Wow, what a crazy holiday season it has been!  Full of visiting with family, a good amount of coughing and sniffling noses, two rounds of stomach flu, delicious food, and more cookies eaten than I care to admit!  We had a wonderful time with my parents and brother, who came to visit for the week of Christmas.  It was a fun-filled time of rest and laughter as we relished in the celebration of the birth of our Savior.  We rejoiced in His goodness, marveled at His abundant grace, and welcomed 2012 by His wonderful mercies, which are forever new to those who ask and believe.

I’ve had a lot of things on my heart as the year came to a close and not a lot of time to write about them. One of the things that I am asking the Lord for this year is to cultivate an attitude of thankfulness in the simple, day-to-day things that I tend to overlook.  As scripture says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, with whom there is no change or shifting shadow.” (James 1:17)  From time to time throughout…well, however long it takes me… I will be recording some of the things that I am grateful for.  Some will be serious, some will be lighthearted, and some may be just plain strange; but my desire is to cultivate a deeper joy in what may appear to be nothing more than the mundane rhythms of life.  My goal is to list 1,000 things, in no particular order, that I have recognized and recieved as good gifts from an exceedingly good Father.

Without further ado, here is my first batch:

#1 – The sweet voices of our children as they sing worship songs.

#2 – Family: near and far.

#3 – The blessing of technology that enabled me to listen in as my newest niece was born.

#4 – Hearing the gentle voice of the Father as I go about my day.

#5 – New kitchen utensils to replace the ones that have been commandeered by growing toddlers.

#6 – An unexpected financial blessing that sped us along the road of paying off our debt.

#7 – Family pictures in front of the Christmas tree.

#8 – A wonderful church family.

#9 – The ability to continue to eat healthier, whole foods, thanks to the opening of Trader Joe’s in our area.

#10 – Listening to Brandon as he reads to Josh and Gracie from their Jesus Storybook Bible.

#11 – Rekindling a close friendship that has been, and will continue to be, very precious to me.

#12 – Getting to share this season of my life with my sister as she walks down the path the Lord is laying for her.

#13 – Cherishing the chubby, cuddly, babyhood of our new little boy.

#14 – Remembering to treasure the special moments of each day and record them in a family journal.

#15 – New books to read and glean from

#16 – Finding the most amazing recipe for iced coffee, thanks to Pinterest.

#17 – Pinterest…it gets the creative juices flowing!

#18 – The opportunity to participate in a Daniel Fast with our church as we seek to honor and glorify the Lord with this upcoming year.

#19 – Ghiradelli Bittersweet Chocolate chips…in bulk from Costco.

#20 – Watching our kids delight in the drive-thru Christmas light displays.

Gideon’s Birth Story

My due date arrived on September 6th.  This is also the day that Starbucks released my favorite drink – the Pumpkin Spice Latte.  For those of you who know me well, you’ll understand how significant that is for me.  ;)   Brandon and I packed up the kids, drove to Starbucks to get our first drinks of the season, and then headed off to Nebraska Furniture Mart to look for dressers for Grace and Josh.  As the hours slip by, all the while experiencing my daily dose of contractions, I could feel my cheerfulness start to slip away.  Resigning myself to the fact that I will most likely be “over-due,” I lay down for a nap around 4:00 to rest up for a meeting that we had scheduled that night.  Josh and Grace were napping as well, so Brandon headed off the gym and a quick stop at Costco.  Around 5:30, I was in a semi-conscious state and felt like “something” had popped but since nothing was happening, I figured I must’ve dreamed it and continued to lay there for another 15 minutes.  I rolled myself out of bed to get ready for our meeting and as my feet hit the floor, I realized that “pop” had been a small break in my water bag!  I called Brandon (who didn’t answer), called my sister (who was downstairs) and my sister-in-law, and sent a quick text to everyone I was supposed to notify at the beginning of my labor.  I finally get a hold of Brandon and then call my midwife to let her know.  It’s around 6:00 at this point, and I notice that my contractions seem to be kinda close together.  I wasn’t able to time them because I was rushing around the house to get Josh and Grace ready to head over their cousins for the evening.  Around 6:15-ish, Nicole arrived, my midwife’s birth assistant and doula, and began setting up all the supplies.  She worked incredibly fast and in no time at all, my labor room was ready.  I waddled back up the stairs and felt another small pop in my water bag.  Contractions were really close, no more than 3-5 minutes apart, and I was definitely feeling some mild pain.  Brandon arrived back home from dropping the kids off at his brother’s, and my sister-in-law, Kortni (the one with 5 kids and in training to be a doula/childbirth educator), walked into the room.  Nicole needed Brandon’s help to fill up my birthing tub, so he went to assist her and Kortni also walked out to get a couple other things ready.  My sister, Elizabeth, and I were in the room and I knelt by the edge of the bed to work through my contractions a little better and I felt a huge pop that must have completely broke my water bag.  And thus began the most intense 45 minutes of my life!

Kortni came back into the room and knew I needed some help.  She  sat down by me and grabbed my hands, encouraging me through a couple contractions and reminding me to relax – amazing how helpful that is!  I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t know if I can get through 6 hours of this!” and silently praying for the Lord to sustain me.  Brandon and Nicole were back in the room and Brandon knelt down next to me, half rubbing my back and half hugging me, and kissing my forehead a lot.  At this point, I was making some noise with the contractions and I recall Kortni asking me, “Are you having another one already?”   After a few more contractions, which were probably 2-3 minutes apart at best, the next thing I knew I was kneeling on the floor and Nicole was asking Brandon if he was planning on catching the baby.

Pardon me?

I started thinking, “We can’t be talking about this already! I have 4 more hours of labor to go.  Suzanne (my midwife) isn’t here yet!”  Another contraction came and I didn’t get to ask any of my questions and Kortni leaned over to my ear and said, “That’s it – you’re done.  This is the end.”   I was shocked, a little confused, and greatly relieved!  I kept looking at my birthing tub, which was still in the process of being filled, and wondered if I’d even be able to deliver in the water like I’d hoped.  A few more contractions went by and Suzanne arrived, said hello, took a look at me and said, “Let’s get her into the tub.”  Into the tub I went!  I loved being in the water!  It didn’t do anything for the pain, but it was so soothing and much easier to relax.  A few more contractions went by and the head had crowned.  I figured that the hard part was over and I would hold my baby with the next contraction.  A few more contractions went by with no baby.  The next thing I knew, Suzanne had me switch positions and told me to push, and there baby was!  It was a boy!!!!   And he had that same darn swirl in his hair that Brandon and Josh have… such a pain to cut!  :)  She rested him on my legs and the first thing I thought was, “Wow, those are some big shoulders.  That explains a lot!”

Our favorite rump roast, as we like to call him!

Those first few moments were so amazing; I held him and Brandon and I just stared at him and kept remarking at how cute he was, how he looked just like a Gideon, and that he was definitely bigger than the other two.  No one was rushing around in a frantic scramble – we were just able to enjoy him.  It was calm and peaceful and we soaked up every detail we could about our new little love.  After about 15 minutes, the cord was cut, placenta delivered (my apologies to any males reading this), and Gideon and I were tucked snuggly into bed.  We got to enjoy another 45 minutes of uninterrupted time with our boy while Suzanne and Nicole cleaned up (amazing fast, I might add) and left us alone until we were ready for them to get all his measurements and such.

We called Suzanna and Nicole back into the room and they went to work weighing and measuring.  One of the funnest parts about this home birth was that Brandon got to weigh him with this sling-like contraption.  You put the baby into the sling and then the sling hooks onto a weight (much like the hanging weights in the produce department at a grocery store).  You then lift up the baby in the sling and find out how much the little bugger weighs.  I was watching all this from the cocoon and couldn’t wait to find out how much he was.  I knew he was bigger than my other babies, but I had figured he was high 8’s or low 9’s.  *Remember from my previous post that I was adamant about not having a ten-pound baby.*  Brandon hoisted the little guy up, studied the scale, and said, “He’s ten-pounds, one ounce…”

I was waiting for him to say just kidding…

“Nope!  Make that ten-pounds and two ounces!”  Then he looked over at me and grinned.  I was still waiting for him to tell me what the actual weight was.  When he didn’t say anything else, I said something really eloquent like, “You’re serious??  Goooooooooood lord!!!!!”

After everything was said and done, Gideon and I were tucked into bed, my sister ran to Wendy’s on behalf of Brandon, and Suzanne and Nicole gave us parting instructions along with hugs and kisses.  Ryan and Kortni brought Josh and Grace back home where they met their baby brother with shining eyes.  Josh kept saying, “Oh, he’s so cute. That’s my baby brudder,” as Grace was trying to lay on top of him and give him kisses while remarking, “Aw…bebe.  Aw…bebe.”  That first introduction of your children to their new sibling is special wherever you are, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t love it taking place in our home.  I will always treasure those first precious moments together as a family of five, along with the entire experience of this birth.  It’s one of the milestones in my life that I will long reflect and rejoice over the goodness, kindness, and faithfulness of the Father to our family…and especially to me.

Our little loves :)

Life and Godliness

“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence, by which He has granted to us His precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.””  – 2 Peter 1:3-4

I’ve always really liked these verses.  I used to read the first part and walk away with one thought: the Lord has given me everything I need to be a good Christian.  What a comfort to know that the Lord has equipped me to follow him, obey Him, and serve Him.  He knows I have no righteousness apart from Him and so He has “granted to me His precious and very great promises,” and given me all the resources (“His divine power”) that I need to become a “partaker in His divine nature.”

But here’s the part that was so freeing to me today: all of those things, His divine power, His precious and very great promises, and having the knowledge of Him, are also gifted to me to equip me with everything I need for life!!  Just for everyday life!!!  Maybe I’m the only one who missed this all these years but, my gracious, do I feel relieved!!

Perhaps this is due to the fact that I had a mini-meltdown in my kitchen yesterday.  I was feeling overwhelmed with the business of life:  parenting, wife-ing, (I know that’s not a word, but I liked it) family life, church activities, leadership responsibilities…you name it. I was at the end of my rope.    After a good twenty minutes of weeping and wailing to my oh-so-patient husband, he prayed with me (or maybe it was for me), asking the Lord for His divine order to be revealed to us in every area and for His divine life to be fully realized in our day-to-day lives.  Feeling much better, I took myself to Starbucks…after all that crying I needed a dose of caffeine…and started to think and pray.  And pray and think.  And think and pray some more.  Why does a life that I am exceedingly grateful for overwhelm me at times?

I finally found the answer.

While spending time with the Lord, I quickly read over the above scriptures when I heard the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit say, “Read it again.”  So I did.  And that’s when He showed me that I have not been using the tools He has given to me for the working out of this life.  “I haven’t left you alone to figure out how to be a mother, a wife, a leader, a woman, a friend, etc.  All the things that you need to accomplish, I will gladly help you with.  You want to know how to be a good parent?  Come to me.  I am a good Father and I am more than willing to teach you.  I have freely given you all that you need, all I require of you is to ask for my help.”

How silly I’ve been.  I have been striving and straining to accomplish daily activities that would be far easier if I would just ask for wisdom and help from my Father.   I can move from glory to glory, from grace to grace, knowing that my Heavenly Father, the God of “more than enough” has graciously given me all tools that I need for life and for godliness.  If my ears are attentive to His voice, I will have all I need and my heart will be at rest knowing that it is really His life that is flowing through mine.  This puts into perspective Colossians 3:1-4, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on things that are on the earth.  For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.”

When I willingly die to my ways of doing things and my insistence upon doing them in my own strength, my life becomes hidden in the life of Christ.  When His life shines forth, my heart becomes fully alive as I become the woman He meant and equipped me to be.  This doesn’t mean I will be perfect – I am only human, after all.  But after 24 years, I think I am finally OK with that! :)

It reminds me of a lyric from Jason Upton’s song, Just Like You:  “You stand beside me just waiting, while I try to do it alone.  Smiling you say, ‘Son, come here.  Won’t you let me just help you?’  Frustrated, I try to make it… because I’ve just got something to prove.  Not knowing that it is my weakness that perfects Your power.”

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  – Matthew 11:28-30