Gratitude in the Midst

It’s been an extremely busy season for the Kubicina household for the last 6 months. I have so many things buzzing around in my heart that I am feeling a little frazzled trying to sort everything out in a way that is truthful, encouraging, and will actually make sense. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to sit down and write about all that the Lord has been working out in me: between moving, vacation, daily life, church life, visiting family, illness, and all the “blessings,” that accompany a first trimester, I’m finding myself with very few free moments that don’t result in a nap. :) But this afternoon, in the midst of my busyness, I was reminded of the goal that I set at the beginning of the year to list 1,000 things that I am thankful for.

I feel this to be especially needed when we are engrossed in seasons where life is hectic.  I know my own tendency is to focus on my circumstances and overlook the seemingly mundane moments that the Lord has placed before me.  Every season has blessings if we fix our eyes on the One who is the Giver of every good thing.  He is not stingy with us and He delights in our gratitude because it speaks the truth about who He is and how He lavishes love on His children.  Even in the midst of haste, or circumstances that would seek to overcome us, we have the honor of highly exalting and deeply enjoying Jesus.  Through the redeeming work of the cross, we have received the greatest gift of all – the indescribable reward of glorifying our Father.   When our eyes are set on our faithful Savior and not on life and its troubles, we find ourselves in the place where our hearts are at rest and are fully enabled to delight in the abundant joys of every season…morning sickness and all.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”  – James 1:17

#21 – A backyard!!!

#22 – Chubby-armed baby hugs.

#23 – My husband: for the ways he shows me the grace, mercy, and love of Jesus…especially when I feel I least deserve it.

#24 – Domestic Kingdom: this blog has encouraged me immensely.

#25 – Tea, tea, and more tea.  I’m not going to lie, though…I miss my coffee.  *first trimester will be over soon; just in time for Pumpkin Spice season!*

#26 – My bed, sleep, and all things restful.

#27 – Dreaming of the little person the Lord is shaping inside me.

#28 – Porch swinging with my family.

#29 – Watermelon, strawberries, and peaches!

#30 – The sound of Josh and Grace talking and singing together before they fall asleep each night.

#31 – Watching Gideon’s bowed, plump, little legs learning to walk.

#32 – A new job for Brandon to help us continue to drive down that debt!

#33 – Worship music playing in the kitchen to lift my eyes above my circumstances.

#34 – Watching friends being blessed by the Lord for their steadfast trust in His faithfulness.

#35 – A precious new nephew!

#36 – Family and friends who drive 800 miles to visit us.

#37 – Beautiful Summer nights that give us a break from the heat.

#38 – Brandon and I agreeing on paint colors and loving our choices.

#39 – Our house church group; how I love them and thank God for each one!

#40 – A big kitchen to gather family and friends around food and the goodness of God!

 

Let Me Hold You Longer

I read this poem in a book years ago (before marriage and babies), and for some reason it popped into my mind today.  I did a quick Google search, teared up as I read the first stanza, and was sobbing by the third.

As a mommy of little ones, I occasionally find myself wishing that one of them (or all of them, depending on the day!) would hurry and reach the next milestone.  Whether it’s sitting up, walking, eating solid foods, or sleeping through the night, it’s hard to keep myself from longing for the day when so-and-so will start doing such-and-such and therefore make my life a little easier.  Though the growth and arrival of a child’s “firsts” truly is exciting, I was reminded again of the reward to be found in the whole-hearted embracing of this momentary season.  I pray that I will not spend my time wishing-away the demands of these tiniest years; that I will proclaim, as David did, that THIS is the day the Lord has made.  And because He has ordained it for me, I can be rejoice and be glad in whatever it holds (Psalm 118:24).  And at the end of 2 a.m. feedings and sleepless nights, mis-pronounced words, and hours of brushing hair into braids and pigtails, I pray that my heart will overflow with the grace-drenched, joy-filled memories of these years.  To God be the glory.

A picture book has been made out of this poem; you can purchase it here.

Let Me Hold You Longer
By: Karen Kingsbury

Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts.

The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips.
The last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip.
The last time when you woke up crying, needing to walked.
When last you crawled up with your blanket, wanting to be rocked.

The last time that you ran to me, still small enough to hold,
The last time when you said you’d marry me when you grew old.
Precious, simple moments and bright flashes from the past –
Would I have held you longer if I’d known they were the last?

Our last adventure to the park, your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite faded baseball cap.
Your last few hours of kindergarten, last days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League, last colored picture made.

I never said goodbye to all your yesterdays long past.
So what about tomorrow — will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you catch a frog in that old backyard pond.
The last time that you run barefoot across our fresh-cut lawn.
Silly, scattered images will represent your past.
I keep on taking pictures, never quite sure of your lasts…

The last time that I comb your hair or stop a pillow fight.
The last that I pray with you and tuck you in at night.
The last time that we cuddle with a book, just me and you.
The last time you jump up in our bed and sleep between us two.

The last piano lesson, last vacation to the lake.
Your last few weeks of middle school, last soccer goal you make.
I look ahead and dream of days that haven’t come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss today’s sweet, precious lasts…

The last time that I help you with a math or spelling test.
The last time when I say that yes, your room is still a mess.
The last time that you need me for a ride from here to there.
The last time that you spend the night with your old tattered bear.

My life keeps moving faster, stealing precious days that pass.
I want to hold on longer — want to recognize your lasts…

The last time that you need my help with details of a dance.
The last time that you ask me for advice about romance.
The last time that you talk to me about your hopes and dreams.
The last time that you wear a jersey for your high school team.

I’ve watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time, I’d hold on to your lasts.
For come some bright fall morning you’ll be going far away.
College life will beckon in a brilliant sort of way.

One last hug, one last good-bye, one quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand just how much you will be missed.
I’ll watch you leave and think how fast our times together passed.
Let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last.

 

Image Source
 

A Meal with Jesus: Discovering Grace, Community, and Mission, around the Table.

The tradition of mealtime, especially in America, seems to be slipping into a thing of the past.  We no longer come to the table (if we eat at a table at all!) with gratefulness to a generous Giver, but rather in casual indifference; much like taking our vehicle to a gas station for a fill-up, that we may continue on in our busyness..  Tim Chester vividly illustrates that one of the main themes and portraits of Scripture is the beckoning from a loving Creator, to his creation, to come and dine with Him.  That they may come partake of His glorious goodness and extend that goodness to others, that the feast of God may be full.

I was challenged by so much in this book.  Convicted at my own nonchalant attitude towards food and mealtime, I finished this book with renewed vision for my kitchen and dining room.  I felt excited and exhorted to make our family’s table a place of refuge, fellowship, thankfulness, joy, and love.  I confess that in the course of my day, it is much easier to eat breakfast and lunch as I work: finishing up this project or starting that chore, while my children sit quietly at the table observing my haste.  My heart feels purposed towards the goal of cultivating gratefulness towards the Lord for the food that He sets before us each day.  I look forward to teaching my children of the goodness and grace of the Father at each meal time; telling them of the rich love that He has poured out on us in everything…even sandwiches.  Whether you’re wanting fresh insight into the blessings of cooking, eating, or hospitality, I highly recommend this book to you.

Some of my favorite quotes (and it was hard to narrow it down!):

“…the community of the broken, gathered around a meal, finding hope in the grace of Jesus.  This is what church is meant to be: a community of broken people finding family around a meal under the tree of Calvary.”

“…food isn’t just fuel.  It’s not just a mechanism for sustaining us for ministry.  It’s gift, generosity, grace.  Jesus gave thanks and broke bread.  In so doing, he affirms that food is to be received as a gift from God.”

“The world is more delicious than it needs to be.  We have a super-abundance of divine goodness and generosity.  God went over the top.  We don’t need the variety we enjoy, but He gave it to us out of sheer exuberant joy and grace.  God’s creative joy wasn’t only for the beginning of creation, leaving us ‘eating leftovers.’  God continues to sustain creation out of joy.”

“Not only did God give us food, He also ordained cooking…every time you place a meal on the table with quiet satisfaction, you’re sharing the joy of the Creator at the creation of the world when he declared everything good.”

“The Lord’s Supper is a call to God to act in keeping with his covenant: forgiving us, accepting us, and welcoming us to the Table through the finished work of Christ.”

“This is salvation: to feast abundantly and to feast with God.”

Click here to purchase this book.

Happy New Year

Wow, what a crazy holiday season it has been!  Full of visiting with family, a good amount of coughing and sniffling noses, two rounds of stomach flu, delicious food, and more cookies eaten than I care to admit!  We had a wonderful time with my parents and brother, who came to visit for the week of Christmas.  It was a fun-filled time of rest and laughter as we relished in the celebration of the birth of our Savior.  We rejoiced in His goodness, marveled at His abundant grace, and welcomed 2012 by His wonderful mercies, which are forever new to those who ask and believe.

I’ve had a lot of things on my heart as the year came to a close and not a lot of time to write about them. One of the things that I am asking the Lord for this year is to cultivate an attitude of thankfulness in the simple, day-to-day things that I tend to overlook.  As scripture says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, with whom there is no change or shifting shadow.” (James 1:17)  From time to time throughout…well, however long it takes me… I will be recording some of the things that I am grateful for.  Some will be serious, some will be lighthearted, and some may be just plain strange; but my desire is to cultivate a deeper joy in what may appear to be nothing more than the mundane rhythms of life.  My goal is to list 1,000 things, in no particular order, that I have recognized and recieved as good gifts from an exceedingly good Father.

Without further ado, here is my first batch:

#1 – The sweet voices of our children as they sing worship songs.

#2 – Family: near and far.

#3 – The blessing of technology that enabled me to listen in as my newest niece was born.

#4 – Hearing the gentle voice of the Father as I go about my day.

#5 – New kitchen utensils to replace the ones that have been commandeered by growing toddlers.

#6 – An unexpected financial blessing that sped us along the road of paying off our debt.

#7 – Family pictures in front of the Christmas tree.

#8 – A wonderful church family.

#9 – The ability to continue to eat healthier, whole foods, thanks to the opening of Trader Joe’s in our area.

#10 – Listening to Brandon as he reads to Josh and Gracie from their Jesus Storybook Bible.

#11 – Rekindling a close friendship that has been, and will continue to be, very precious to me.

#12 – Getting to share this season of my life with my sister as she walks down the path the Lord is laying for her.

#13 – Cherishing the chubby, cuddly, babyhood of our new little boy.

#14 – Remembering to treasure the special moments of each day and record them in a family journal.

#15 – New books to read and glean from

#16 – Finding the most amazing recipe for iced coffee, thanks to Pinterest.

#17 – Pinterest…it gets the creative juices flowing!

#18 – The opportunity to participate in a Daniel Fast with our church as we seek to honor and glorify the Lord with this upcoming year.

#19 – Ghiradelli Bittersweet Chocolate chips…in bulk from Costco.

#20 – Watching our kids delight in the drive-thru Christmas light displays.

Introducing…

Gideon David Kubicina

September 6, 2011 –  7:12pm

10lbs 20z, 21.5 inches

He’s finally here!

Where do I begin???  This pregnancy has been such a journey for me.  Having delivered my first two children at 37 weeks and 35 weeks, I must admit that I wrestled with fear over having another preterm baby since the day I found out I was pregnant.  During the weeks of nausea early in my pregnancy, I would often wonder if I would even make it to 35 weeks this time.  Was I defective?  Was there something wrong with my body that made it unable to carry a baby to full term?  Even though both my babies were relatively healthy (Grace spent a week in the N.I.C.U. on antibiotics), there were nagging doubts that took hold in my heart and resulted in many prayers and questions to the Lord.  It was then that I began to hear the Father speak to me about this pregnancy being a season where I would know, really know, that He is worthy of my trust.  For some reason, I’ve always struggled with trusting and the Lord was telling me that He was desiring to show Himself faithful and abundantly good.  My heart grabbed a hold of this though, on occasion, I would continue to wrestle with the fear of early labor during months that followed.

Fast forward to week #34 and my monthly appointment.  My midwife was feeling for baby’s position and size, asking how I was feeling and if I was having any kind of symptoms.  Based on the information I had given her and baby’s size,  positioning, and my stats, she seemed to think that I would most likely go into labor early and basically told me that she wanted me to be pregnant for 10 more days.  She decided that she would use my sonogram due date (one week earlier than my LMP date) so that I could go ahead and have a home birth if I delivered before 37.  When Brandon and I left the appointment, we thought that maybe this was how the Lord was answering out prayer; yes, I would have another preterm baby but everything would be fine and we would still get to have our desired home birth.  We felt peaceful about it and scurried about getting all the final supplies ready for baby’s arrival.

Then came week #36, another appointment, and our familiar scene of the midwife checking baby out and asking about symptoms.  By this time I was quite large and pretty uncomfortable.  Baby felt waaaaaaaaaaaaaay lower than any other I had carried and was making it hard to walk.  I’d never felt like I had “the waddle” in my other pregnancies, but it was fast becoming an inescapable reality with this one.  I was also having lots of contractions.  Lots and lots of contractions.  Inconsistent and irregular, but a daily occurrence nonetheless.  After rattling off all of my information, I fully expected my midwife to smile and say, “Any day now!”  But imagine my surprise when she told me I had another two weeks and to prepare myself because this one was going to be bigger than the others.  After the appointment, I remember sitting back and sighing at the prospect of being pregnant for two more weeks.  Then I realized that I would be 38 weeks by then and further along than any other pregnancy I’d carried.  I decided I was OK with and actually rather excited at the prospect of an additional 14 days gestation.  Bring on the waddling.

As my 38th week approached, I was assaulted with a new fear:  the fear of THE BIG ONE!  With my previous little bundles weighing in at 7lbs 5oz and 6lbs 6oz, and this being the furthest I had carried, the doubts started rolling in.  “What if this baby is too big for me to deliver?”  and “What if this baby is so big that I am permanently damaged or ripped to shreds??”  Pathetic, right?  But seriously, for this being my first natural child birth, I was fearful that it would be the absolute worst-case scenario and that I was going to have a horrid labor with a beast of a child that would make me swear off child-bearing forever.  I told you I had trust issues.  I kept telling Brandon, “I don’t want a 10 pound baby!  I’m so scared of having a big baby.”  He would always reply with something along the lines of, “I doubt you’ll have a 1o pound baby, and even if you do I’m sure you’ll be fine.”  Apparently I didn’t believe him because I kept up with my fearful whining until one days he told me, “Kel, we’ve been praying for this pregnancy and delivery since day one.  The Lord is not going to give you a delivery that He will not grace you to get through and glorify him.  Everything is going to be OK and you’re going to do great.”

38 weeks went by and then 39; I couldn’t believe I was still pregnant.  I was acutely uncomfortable and annoyed at this point as I felt like I had been in labor for the last 3 week.  I was having lots of contractions every day; sometimes regular, sometimes not. There were several nights where I would have pretty strong ones for several hours and thoughts to myself, “Surely this is it,” only to fall asleep at some point and awaken the next morning to discover I was still pregnant.  Then I would usually cry and feel sorry for myself, lighten up around noon, be in a good mood in the afternoon and evening (contracting throughout the day), and go to bed hoping I’d go into labor that night.  When the next morning appeared with no baby, I would repeat the process.  As my due date approached, I decided that I should probably just prepare myself to be pregnant forever.  I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining.  Truth be told, as uncomfortable and tired as I was, I really was exceedingly grateful to have made it to full term.  Those last few days were a mix of thankfulness and tiredness, anticipation and impatience, and full of the grace of the Lord.

To be continued…

Late Night Reflections…

Poor Grace is sick.  :(

She’s had a small cold for the last couple days that took up residence in her lungs last night and gave her a nasty cough.  Brandon was working a late shift so I was up and down every hour or so trying to soothe Grace back to sleep.  Somewhere around 2:30 in the morning, I waddled into her room and noticed her cough was getting worse.  I brought her in bed with me,  gave her a breathing treatment that she barely stayed awake for, tucked her in as close to my belly as possible, and tried to fall back asleep with my sick little girl.  As I felt the baby kicking her (not a big fan of cuddling, apparently), I smiled, wondered when this wee one was going to make his/her appearance, and suddenly realized something… Grace was no longer going to be our baby.  She was going to be a big sister!  I wouldn’t be able to call her my youngest anymore.  For some reason, that hit my heart pretty hard and I started to realize the changes in store for us with the arrival of this new life.

We would no longer be the parents of just two children – very soon, there will be three little people to love,  nurture,  guide, and cherish.  Three precious souls for us to snuggle with on the couch, tuck into bed, and pray over each night.  When this little one is finally in our arms, we will either have two little men, or two tiny ladies.  Josh will no longer be our only buddy and Gracie will stop being our only princess.  It was sobering to me to realize – really realize – that  I will never get this time of my children’s lives back.

All these things were even more apparent as we celebrated Josh’s birthday today.  We had a really fun family day: getting coffee/chocolate milk together, taking him birthday shopping, out to lunch and cupcakes, and playing with his new toys.  At one point, right before his nap, he came up to me and said, “Mommy, I be three again?”  And I had to tell him no, he was all done being three now; that he was going to keep growing and getting bigger until, as he puts it, he’s so big like Daddy.    He seemed pretty excited about it and truthfully, I am too.  Each stage of growing brings new challenges and adventures, new things to learn and explore, and new depth and dynamic to your relationship with your child.  Every age is fun…but every age goes so incredibly fast.

And so, as I come yet again into a season of sleepless nights and of another life being totally dependent on mine, I want to keep this in the forefront of my mind.  We have a tendency to always look towards the next stage, thinking things like, “Oh, I can’t wait until they start sleeping through the night!”  Or, “I just need to get through potty training!”  But with this new baby, I hope I can remember to remind myself to slow down and just enjoy the days that the Lord has ordained for me and our family.  And to remember that there will always be laundry to fold, dishes to put away, and toys to clean up; but there will not always be a time when Josh wants me to read to him, or Grace wants to have tea with me, or this new baby will need to eat in the middle of the night.  I will only have that for so long and I want to cherish every moment because I will never get it back.